The End

I remember waking up Thursday and for that split
second you remember it wasn't a nightmare. Don't you
hate that feeling? I decided if I sat around all day I
was just keep crying , so I when I met my family at
the funeral home you can just imagine the mood I was
in. My uncle was there( I will not comment on what I
felt about him at that moment) but he acted like it
was a freakin car deal or something trying to
negotiate the cost of the funeral. I was so Mad, I
said just shut up. I was never so grateful to get out
of somewhere before. On Friday I got up and realized
what am I going to do now, I can't sit around and cry
all day so I went to see Heather. Me and Heather were
always "grandma's girls". She raised us both and we
loved her like a mom. I felt like she was the only
person that understood me. Unfortunately with both of
us upset we did not know what to do, so hey I know
let's get a tattoo. Yes I know I had thought about it
many times before but because my husband was not in
agreement I did not do it. Well this particular day I
did not think of the consequences and I did not think
anything could hurt more than my heart so we did it.
Regardless of whether it was right or wrong at that
time it felt right and I don't regret it now. I could
say I made a few wrong decisions in the following days
but none really bad. I felt confused and lost and
numb. Saturday we could not sleep and were walking
around Gardenridge at their midnight madness sale just
because we did not know what else to do. That night
about 2:00 a.m. we wrote her eulogy. It was uplifiting
and positive and I am grateful that my family was so
irresponsible that they could not come up with
anything good to say. I also wrote her a goodbye
letter from me and Heather and just asked that she
would ask God to send us some sunshine and butterflies
to remind us that she is in a better place. I can't
tell you how many times we had a butterfly land on us
after that. It was a blessing. Monday morning just Had
to come. I dreaded every second. Up until the time it
began I don't remember much. Me and Heather were the
last to enter so that we could put her purse and
moccains right beside the casket because that is What
she would have wanted, she never went anywhere without
them. I guess I had my little breakdown and my brother
and husband pried my fingers off the casket and
carried me because I dont think I could feel my legs,
I couldnt feel anything except my broken heart. All I
could think about was I didn't want to leave her and I
didn't want her to leave me but it was too late for
that. That afternoon me and heather got in the car and
she drove us to Sulphur. I was so grateful for that
long drive. Grandma took us there often. The little
motel was gone but we went out in our dresses, removed
our shoes and walked in the water and talked about
grandma and sometimes we didn't talk at all. I feel so
lost without her. I know Heather feels the same. I
think that pain will always be there. I will just pray
that every day will get better and always think about
our good times and how she won't have to suffer
anymore bad one's. Thank you everyone for your prayers
and support during this very difficult time for me.